20 years of tears

Happy birthday little S. It's good to ... Whatever. 

Listening to this on a loop: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lCe2Q_1g93A

h.a.t.e.

I am pissed. This is probably the best sentence to explain how I feel atm.
I should be happy blabla bla but you know what?! I dont want to right now.
I am just angry. Angry at my parents for making stuff way too complicated.
Angry at myself for being so unorganized the last couple of weeks.
For being so messy, neglecting and kinda gross.
I am angry at myself for not working out. For being just a lazy B***

I do not eat right. Do not treat myself right. I do not do anything right.
And then I start stressing out 1 day before the deadline.
Stupid, Stupid me, never enhances. Y.E.Y. -.-

help?

my stomach feels soo wird since a couple of days... It might be because of the stress but idk.

one good thing about it, that I am trying to figure out if I´m full or just eating to finish the plate. 

one bad thing on the other hand is, that this feeling kind of triggers me. 

The exam today was an absolute mess. that made me so angry, that I came home, ate chips and chocolate... and purged. hate this roller coaster. It is like all this positive-thinking-shit has no worth as soon as I have on of these "dark" moments. 

I just realized that I am struggling a lot lately. There are "short but more periods" of disordered thinking. Of course I could take things a little more easy or relieve my schedule but that wont be the solution to the real problem. So I start considering to go to an encounter group... maybe after vacation or so. I will observe myself and probably start writing a diary again and then have a look on how it develops. I do not wanna get back. Too much time has passed with this illness. Too much have been sacrifised. When someone asks me about my teenage years, the first thing that comes to my mind is this fucking eating disorder. And my body - as strong as it might be - won´t take this forever. 

I am dizzy 24/7 no matter how much I eat or sleep, my stomach gets upset so easily and headaches are getting kinda normal. 

AND IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY!

I am VEGAN! And I am not a vegan only for health issues. I am vegan for the environment, the animals, world hunger, clear water, for everything.
I am supposed to look and be happy to inspire others to think about a vegan lifestyle.

___________
Update: I wrote this a few days ago... On Thursday I guess.
Today is Saturday.

I feel like crap. Have not purged since then. But I do not exercise because I somehow have absolutely no energy and the way I eat got so weird.
I am eating till I feel sick (even though I am not hungry) because I am afraid of eating too less.
But at the same time everything I think about is eating less.
I am soo afraid that this is gonna turn out bad.
There is so much anxiety. So much disbelief. I do not believe in myself.
And I realized that I avoided the mirror since a few days.
Because I know I will not like what I see and I wont be able to look at myself and say that I like myself. Even smiling got so difficult.

I think the faster I get away from here, the more easier everything will get again.
Just one more week. Everything is gonna be ok. It has to :)

All my block seminars expired yesterday and I am so sad about this.
Especially the "aesthetic self education" seminar was so great!
There were so many cool people and everyone was so open minded and chilled. Many artists, a few older people with loads of life experience and of course there were a few very motivating and loud people too. Overall such a great bunch of people. I even got very close friends with a few of them.
Even the docent was amazing. He was really interested in our lives and what we think about certain things and what we have experienced ans whatsoever.


Yeah anyways. Its like I am so exhausted of this semester but at the same time I cant be really happy because I lose touch to some people. :(

Hospital

Hey you sweethearts <3

Oh god I feel so terrible.

I visited a friend in the hospital and omg I have never felt that horrible.

It was way too much to see her suffering, smelling that typical hospital smell and watch her bleeding over and over again.

I couldn't handle it, went to the visitor toilets crying, dizzy, totally and shaky.

I'm home now and just watching some bridal/wedding TV shows to get distracted. I'll probably make me some tea now to calm down. 

I really don't know what happened there but I think it was a combination of fear, nausea and misery. 

Sometimes it's so hard to understand what other people are going through. And I'm not talking about that "no one understands me"-thing. It's more like: there are so many people, little children, teenagers who spent a lot of time in hospitals due to an illness. 

And there's the normal person who doesn't appreciate any normality in his life. But there's so so so much we should be thankful and happy for. 

Forget school, uni, work, travelling or whatever. Just be happy for being. For breathing. For being able to hear, see, speak, taste, feel.

Appreciate life! Live in the present and never ever look back! 

#NEWS

Hey guys!
YEEEY! My "Horror"-Week is finally over!!!
So glad I survived this and we even got the results of the exams: I passed all exams and my grades are really good...Due to the quantity of the tests I was a little worried, if I´ll be able to pass them. So this makes me even more happy and proud. :)

As this is life, there are not only good news:
I failed my first seminar paper from last semester (I recently got the results)
I was sickly worried at the beginning, tbh. (Because if I fail again, I won´t be allowed to continue studying my major anywhere in Germany)
But I know I´m a good writer and lot of students told me, that there are a bunch of docents, who let you fail, to make sure you learn "academic writing" with all its rules and stuff.
So I am trying to see this as an opportunity to get better in writing, researching, explaining and citing!

Tomorrow is EID!!! So excited about that. It can´t believe how fast time flew by.
I mean Ramadan is already over and it feels so surreal to be able to eat and drink again whenever you want.
To be fully honest with you guys, I am a bit afraid of that.
I got my period today, so I ate and drank and it felt SO WEIRD.
Either physical and mental. Physical I had kind of a "acidic" feeling in my stomach (I assume it was the coffee + too many dates (10?12?)) and mental I recognized more anxiety.
Like: "Ok I have already had one meal, so I should eat less, otherwise I will gain weight" and that kind of thoughts. And this really upsets me and makes me angry.

Because I know all the facts: I am definitely not starving or anything, therefore I am not in the stage of "de novo lypogenesis" (Which basically means that you can´t build fat cells from eating too many carbs - except you are starving)* You know what that means?
>> STARCHES/CARBS WILL NOT MAKE YOU FAT! <<
So eat whatever the fuck you want and get healthy, lean, energetic and strong!
Despite that knowledge I was struggling today. But it´s probably normal in a way, because I have to change all my new habits again. So I´ll just have to look how this develops over the next weeks :)

I am gonna sleep now because I am sooo tired!

Sofia Ellen xxx

* if you are interested in this topic: watch this video on youtube or read "Starch Solution" by Dr. John McDougall

Schedule

heeey guuys :)

I am super happy right now! I slept a lot today, enjoyed the sun outside, showered with ice cold water on our lawn, read a bit of Dr. John McDougalls "Starch Solution" and did barely study (but its ok, I am genius, so no worries :D)

I am trying to enjoy this day as much as possible because I actually have so much stress going on:

• I had a massive row with my brother & now he hates me
• Due to technical problems I am not on "THE LIST" which tells me, where I am gonna write my exam on Wednesday
• As technical problems are very common: I do not know if I am signed in for the Arabic Oral exam (which is tomorrow)
• I was told that the 2. written Arabic Exam was advanced on 23.rd instead of 25.th -.-

What my Calender looks like:

M, 13/07: Arabic Oral Exam 

T, 14/07: Pedagogy Exam 

W, 15/07: Pedagogy Exam 

T, 16/07:

F, 17/07: full-day-seminar + Eid 

S, 18/07: full-day-seminar 

S, 19/07:

M, 20/07: full-day-seminar 

T, 21/07: 

W, 22/07: full-day-seminar 

T, 23/07: written Arabic Exam 

F, 24/07: full-day-seminar 

and after that I am finally free!!!!

keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck!

So now I should really start studying :)

There are actually soo many things I want to tell you guys (support system, starches do not make you fat, getting texted by old friends, meet-ups, marriage proposal, recipes and so much more but I´ll catch up on that later... probably in Wednesday) 

LOTS OF LOVE 

 

Congrats

I had an Arabic exam today and I ceded blank papers, because I didn't understand one word of the long text we had to translate. 

I have exams next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then I'll be finally through  it all. (Except Arabic, where I'll be tested  again at the end of July) 

There's so much to do and to study and I just feel like a half dead corpse. (I was invited to a birthday party yesterday and we were up till 4, slept till 7:30 and went to the exam at 9:30... So we could study for about 1,5 h :D) 

And my other days are not that unsimiliar, therefore i am tired 24/7... 

I'm eating way too much food because I'm always up so late, so I'm thinking of going on "potatoe Island"

they're yummy and filling and who doesn't like potatoes? 

The basic idea behind this is to nourish and cleanse your body instead of filling it with junk food. 

Healthier body = healthier mind = better exam results + happiness 

Good night everyone ❤️❤️❤️

XXX 

oh these sleepless nights

Good night everyone!

I have not slept since ages and I feel soo damn tired! 

Unfortunately this is really effecting me. 

Today I had this terrible (and awkward experience) in front of my dad. He arrived from a shopping tour for his company and I stood up to say hi. 

While we were talking and everything went black (but just for a second, or two) 

My das was kinda concerned and now he started to control what I am eating!

Anyhow it has nothing to do with that... I am eating enough (if not too much) and it just has something to do with the insomnia. 

I just want these exams to be over, to be finally free!

(well, I wont have time there either, but at least I can sleep then)

anyways; i need your help guys!

I started some kind of a little "study" for a seminar. 

For this study I have to interview people with (former) eating disorders. 

I wanted to ask you, if you are interested?! :) 

If so, just leave a comment below. 

Lots of love 

S xxx

Prom

today was the prom of my friend!
As we both went to the same school, I got to see my old teacher and have a chat with them, which was really nice :)
I haven not been eating the whole day - as I am fasting
We wanted to eat at a nice restaurant but they forgot to make a reservation, so we ended up searching the city centre for a restaurant (at 11p.m.), that was open but not overcrowded.
Oh boy, that is just so typical for us.
In the end we finally got to eat.
I had a vegan pizza (without cheese) and it was quite delicious.
Although I was really full after the half of it, I kept eating and now I am soo stuffed, that I can´t even drink water :/
It´s 2:30 now and I still have to study!
I made myself a "learning-plan" and I really have to stick to it (my exams start in 2 weeks)
and I have a hell lot of exams this semester (I did more courses than I actually have to, because of my stay in Istanbul in 2016... so I do not have to take the courses after my stay)

I´ll continue with my stuff now... I am so tired :(

Sleep well guys
s xxx

random

I really miss taking pictures. 
This is just a random snap shot. 
But I really miss those days, 
where I was so passionate about photography, 
where I just went out to capture the moment. 
Sometimes I am just wondering what to this girl happened? 

Hey guys,

I have so so so much to do these days, but I still wanted to give ya´ll a short update:
I didn´t juice fast because a) I read about rebound effects b) after thinking it through it felt like an "ED-kinda-behaviour" and I think its more important to extend healthy eating and thinking instead of putting it into danger...if you know what I mean :D
I started the Healthy Skinny Girl Diet instead but I am trying not to stress out about it :)

But Ramadan starts tomorrow so my eating habits will change for at least 30 days anyways xD

I (finally) got my periode today and I can´t describe how much pain I´m in...Do you have any tips or advice?

Another topic is, that I still did not get any respond from ERASMUS for the accommodation at the dormitory. (If I have not told you yet: I´ll start studying in Istanbul at a private university for 6 months next year! So excited about that!!!)
I really found an amazing one with my dad a couple of months ago (it is a totally new building-finished in 2013- and looks more like a 5* Hotel. There´s like a ton of staff for cooking, cleaning, doing your laundry and it even has its own car service)

I did the medical examination and all that kind of stuff for the registration back then, but now they told me, that they can not take me for sure because I start studying in Istanbul in the middle of the academic year... (summer semester 2016)
This really makes me furious because I talked to them in person twice and wrote like a zillion emails. So I have to work those things out as well...

I´ll start doing Arabic now and maybe do some Yoga before bed.
Have a nice evening and stay motivated.

XXX Sofia

stress

I feel like shit.
today has been horrible!
And I know this won´t be the last time, because I have weeks ahead of me, where I don´t even have proper weekends due to seminars...
There are zillion of exams waiting for me in July and my overall stress levels are groundbreaking. Or let´s say sky-breaking -.-

AND I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!
I really have to... That pressure gets bigger and bigger with every day I am getting closer to my birthday, which is on July 30 (I´ll turn 20 btw)
Feel so uncomfortable in my skin again.
On one hand I am relieved, because I know that I have to change something.
On the other hand I am concerned, because I slipped back into old habits without even noticing.

There is this little voice, that says: "Screw weight loss. Just listen to your body, eat a healthy diet, be happy and enjoy your fucking life!" I´m trying to focus on that voice, but it´s really hard these days.

:(

P.S. I got my juicer today and I LOOOVEE it!!! Probably starting with Juice Cleansing tomorrow...

update

I'm Hey folks!
It´s been a really long time, but there was a lot going on...

• my dad had an bike-accident 
• I got a new baby cousin 
• I took part at the COLORRUN!
• I was out of town for about a week 
• There were a few festivals going on here

Most of these things were really positive with the exception of that accident. 

He´s doing fine now, but it was a really tough time. 

The COLORRUN was amazing! I cannot even put it in words!!!

All the people, the colours, the music. Simply everything was so so great!

Here are some pictures :) 

I have been recently watching the documentaries "May I Be Frank" and "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead"... Those two were so impressive and had quite an impact on me. 

It basically tells the story of two men, who are sick and unhappy with their lives. 

So one started eating fully raw meals for 30 days and the other started a juice fast of 60 days. 

And it is INCREDIBLE what that pure food did to them.

So guess what?! I just ordered a juicer to try juice fasting as well. That´s so exciting!

I will tell you everything about it, as soon as I get to start to do it. 

I hope you all have an amazing day. 

LOTS OF LOVE XXX

do not relapse

I feel so bad, I can´t even put it in words.
Long story short: My dad and I had a massive row. And since then we are not talking with each other. And this is literally killing me. Because I am actually really a "daddys little girl" kind of girl.
I miss talking to him. Or drinking coffee with him. All this makes me feel so empty and depressed these days.
And if that´s not enough, my eating habits got totally out of order.
I either restrict or eat till I burst. I do not have any joy, control or happiness when I eat anymore.
I just feel disgusted after a few bites.
I don´t want to slip back. I was so proud the other day, when I ate 2000+ kcal and did not gain any weight! And now all the effort seems to go away... :(

But I have one good message: My mom started a plantbased diet one week ago! :) Now she got kind of used to ditching animal products, so we can get started with the Vegan for Fit Challenge (2.0.) together :D
for those of you, who are interested: the first week when I first started VFF I lost 1,7 kg, but I could not continue eating like that because uni was (and still is) very stressfull, but I had the time I needed to find my "rhythm" this semester. So it is going to be much easier to plan and prepare my meals.

good night
xxx

new design. new chance.

hey honeys.

this is going to be a short post about changes!

1. obviously I changed the design... I think this whole dark attitude should be removed by pure brightness. 
2. I have cut my hair a few days ago :) it is quite short now but I really love it.
3. I quit 801010 aka Starch Solution aka rt4. I decided to change my diet to a lowcarb diet again because I am trying to eat the "highcarb"-ish way since summer 2014 and barely anything changed. I have not really lost weight. (in fact in the past couple of weeks I gained everything I lost) and I just do not have the feeling that I can control my portion sizes, which leads to overeating. My digestion and everything was great but I know myself too well to realize that I will probably slip into my disordered behaviour if I gain more weight.
4. "Vegan for fit" is known to be a lowcarb, vegan - challenge program. That is why I will give it a go and start this challenge with Lisa (from havefaithinme.blogspot.com) :)
5. the second semester is about to start 

thats it for now. 

xxx

Bliss

There have been a couple of experiences in the last few days, which made me really think of life and how blessed we actually are. 

Probably one of the biggest gifts is HEALTH! Just think of when you have the flu: you're unable to do anything but sleep, nose is running and so on. And now think of the people, who have serious illnesses. Like cancer or leukaemia. How they must feel. How this feeling must be, to know that you could die every minute. 

Or what about PEACE? Or having a FAMILY? Or what about having a BED and a roof over your head? 

We take so many things for granted and  sometimes we focuse on unnecessary things like wearing the latest trends or having the coolest car. But how about stopping, breathing and realising what you have and how BLESSED you actually are. Even if it is the tiniest thing. Just the fact that you are alive is wonderful.

In this world it's so easy to forget to be thankful. And little reminders really help to get this awareness back and have a much more positive view on obstacles and life itself. 

My knee hurts :(

Good evening everyone!

6 days left until I fly back to Germany... 

This is so crazy. When did 1 month pass? That's really confusing. 

But I'm not sure if I want to go back tbh. On one hand I am realy looking forward to it, because I missed my bed, the environment, the grocery stores and in general the life there. 

On the other hand I'll miss my relatives, my granny and just the beauty and energy of istanbul. But either way I have only 6 days left and I'm gonna enjoy them as much as possible :) 

I'm still continuing the starch solution way of eating but I really really miss the abundance of fresh food. Like I'm literally craving it. I'm possibly gonna spend a lot of money when I arrive back home for all this fresh, juicy goodness. 

Anyways this is what I ate today: 

BF: sweet rice with agave (and carob) and a banana/Apple/coconut milk smoothie (I had this "breakfast" at 1 pm 0-0) 

D: therefore I skipped lunch and had 2 plates full of bulgur and beans 

As I mentioned earlier I'm falling back in love with working out again... 

I had amazing 60 min of training today: 15 min ballet beautiful, 30 min HIIT, 15 min yoga 

It was so great but my knee hurts a lot :( 

I made an ice-pack and I'm hoping that this is going to help me. 

I'll just start reading ballet beautiful now. I finished "Skinny Bitch" yesterday and it was really interesting to read all those facts about health and veganism. I can definetly recommend it! :) 

Have a nice evening 

xxx 

Where is all the fruit gone

Hi chickas 💛

It's been 24 hours since my arrival back in Istanbul again after our 3 day roadtrip, which has been great and exhausting at the same time :D 

We have been to many places, but all of them had one thing in common: the amazing sea! (And wind haha) 

We've even been to Troja, where I made such an ambarrassing experience.. There were Chinese tourist and I wanted to speak to them but as soon as she started talking I got a blackout and I couldn't respond to anything -.- but it  was great anyway. 

Eating-wise I had loads of trouble. All the breadery, on the go kind of food really challenged my body and digestion. In those 3 days my skin got really really bad, my digestion is going crazy and I am literally craving soups, veggies and fruit as if I haven't eaten them for years... 

Unfortunately we didn't have any fruits here but this day was still thousand times better than the other days... 

0,5 cups of oats (dry) with agave lemon and dates 

0,5 cups of brown rice and lentils (dry) salad and cauliflower with carrots (I actually had the double size of veggies 😅🙉) 

And veggie soup of course :D 

As dessert I had helva which is a turkish delicacy and yeah that's pretty much everything.

And I even managed to do some sports today... It was kind of an spontaneous decision and I'm really impressed on those positive feelings you get afterwards. I might be a little dumb because even though I know how happy working out makes me, I still find excuses. I really shoul stop listening to my old self and embrace my inner sportaholic. Because it's always great to feel fit, fresh and STRONG 

GOOD NIGHT XXX

Starchsolution Day 1

Heyaaa 

I just had my first starch solution kind of day and it was ok... I didn't do any sports due to my lack of sleep :/ 

This is a quick overview of what I ate... I have to say that the breakfast was the only meal I cooked myself... The rest was always with my family. Right now I have a weird burning in my stomach and I'm sure that it's food related but o can't tell what I did wrong... Maybe my aunt used too much oil when she cooked the foods? Idk. I will still continue this experiment until I'm back in Germany but I think rt4 fits me more. Especially when the weather gets warmer. But I think I think it's way too early to come to conclusions now. 

Gotta sleep now. Will be heading to a road trip tomorrow (until Friday or Saturday) 

Good night y'all x3

Give a shit on what others think

Hey lovelies 

I'm back at our summer house again (I had a few sleepovers) but I have to admit that I really feel crappy.

My energy levels are still very low and I just hate the fact that this all leads to a vicious cycle: tired > no excercise > more time to eat crappy food > damaging your body > feeling worse and even more tired 

And the thing is, that no matter how much I increase my sleep, I'm still tired!!!

Additionally I got kinda sick... I'm freezing and my stomach feels so weird all the time.

I really have to do some kind of detox! It's  scary that I fell in this kinda hole, unable to do the things I really enjoy like running, sports, photography, cooking and loads of taking of course. 

I'll just start with kind the starch solution . I brought lots of grains like rice, millet, buckwheat, spelt and quinoa from Germany and I just realised that I was holding myself back from thriving by thinking that cooking for myself is rude. But who cares. I'll be gone in 2 weeks and they all do already think I'm crazy so what :D my Heath is way more important and I already get some serious signals  from my body. 

So I'll start with some gentle excercise tomorrow... Probably not  too cardiovascular. Maybe some walking, yoga and ballet excercises. 

B: brown rice with carob and apple

L: buckwheat with carrots and olives 

D: grain mix with tomato and cucumber 

Dessert: piece of fruit 

#PDOTD: I did a mini workout after getting up and I cleaned my room :) 

Summary

I just wrote a super long post about Istanbul and the circumstances here and how's everything doing and then my phone got into standby mode because I had to do something and now everything is gone -.-

I'll try to write a short summary anyways. 

I have been in istanbul for 3 weeks now and I really miss my family especially my brother. Luckily I'm going to see my mom and dad on Tuesday as soon as their plane arrives :) 

My brother won't be there though due to school... That's why we end up phoning for at least 3 times a week :D 

But i am really enjoying my time here. The weather is sometimes so hot I don't even need a jacket and I'm always on the go.

Having sleepovers every 2-3 days, being outside almost every single day, meeting new people, good weather and bombastic food... 

As beautiful and great this may be, there are some negative points too.

I think this whole being always outside made me kind of weak. Since last week I have very low energy levels, I'm waking up at 11 a.m. (if not later - whereas I was waking up at 6-8 a.m. In the first weeks) 

I have very dark circles under my eyes and I feel a little sluggish. But I think this has to do something with my eating habits too: it's nearly impossible to have vegan food here and I'm kinda shy here when it comes to making my own food.. That's why I mostly eat what the relatives/friends I'm staying at have cooked... But I want to change this. 

Let's have a look at the past few weeks: I gained about 5 kgs (due to the stressful time while writing my seminar paper and having exams) 

In Istanbul I gained just 1 kg but I think my stomach got bigger... I barely work out and eat fattier foods (which I can definetly see on my skin!) 

To sum everything up: I don't feel as fit and healthy and comfortable as I'm supposed to. So how am I gonna change this? I WILL stick to a positive mindset. I won't allow myself to hate my body or myself ever again because I'm simply not that person which this  disorder want s me to believe. 

I'm beautiful, intelligent, friendly, open minded and full of life. I'm breathing and I'm capable of doing amazing things. Whether it's just a smile to cheer someone up. 

I found out that it isn't about "not being the fates in class" anymore... It's about "being the fittest I have ever been" it's about "getting MYSELF into amazing shape for MYSELF". 

And I proud of myself for understanding this. I'm proud of who I am and I'm proud that I'm still willing to fight against this disorder every single day :) 

I have to go now but I'll share my thoughts on how I'm going to change my not so good eating habits these days and how I'll get into beast mode and working out again. 

Have a lovely day you all. 

Go outside and breathe! 

Because you only have one life lovelies! 

S

P.S. I'm thinking of turning completely blonde. My mom already made me dip dye hair before I flew. And now I'm thinking of cutting my hair (it's quite long now but I'd like it to be shoulder long maybe a little shorter) and have some blonde highlights in it :) 

Have you made good experiences with that hairstyle? 

happy

Step by Step.

Getting a little closer to the best version of myself!

Take your time. Breathe. And keep moving forward.

I gained loads of weight. 

But although it does not define my worth or personality, 

I am keen on losing it (because being overweight is not really healthy, is it?)

I am definitely a carbie :D

So I want to try the Starch Solution - way of eating.

I really liked rawtill4 but I think it is better to fuel yourself that way in summer.

Starch Solution is a "diet" concept by Dr. McDougall

Its HCLF, too. 

I ate yesterday that way and when I woke up today I had really really good mood :)

I was at a birthday party today, so the todays dinner wasn´t the way it should have been. 

But whatever. 

Plan for tomorrow: 

BF: 1/2 cup oats with 1 tbsp carob powder

1 Banana

few strawberries

L: buckwheat with cucumber and tomatoes 

1 persimmon 

D: huge salad (with rice or potatoes) 

3 dates 

I wanna workout too! But not sure if I wanna go running or do a 45 Cardia Sculpting workout at home. I think I will just have a look at the weather and if my knee hurts.

Have a good night lovelies.

Sofia 

not so detoxed

Good evening y´all!
Although I did not detox today, I ate quite "healthy". 
In my opinion it was still too much, but 70% of the calories could be considered as good ones :) 
Some strange things did happen, but I hope those were only an exception. 

#PDOTD (=Positive detail of the day) 
I heard a nice song in the radio today & I cooked for me and my brother :)

Plans for tomorrow: 
Probably wake up around 8 a.m. 
Read my summaries and have a breakfast 
Drive to university
Go on studying there
Write my exam 
Go tutoring 
RUNNING <3
Visit friends of the family -.- 

Planned food: 
big bowl of millet and oats with dried figs, carob and a green smoothie 
750 ml Mango-Smoothie from truefruits
750 ml Green Smoothie 
some starches when we are at attendance 

I just hope that the exam and attendance will be fine tomorrow... 

xxx Sofia 

University and stuff

3 of 4 exams are already written :) 

Have the last one on Thursday and then I'll have to write my seminar paper within 2 weeks before I fly to Istanbul... 

So everything is quite stressfull and will probably stay this way. 

If I'm lucky, I can do an internship in this holidays in istanbul. (a Canadian friend will probably visit me there, so it's pretty exciting) 

To the food-topic: I eat way to much food! :( my "diet" is HCLF so it's actually really good. I'm still experimenting with 801010 and starchsolution because I don't figured out with which I feel best with... 

Anyways, I want to "detox" tomorrow... (I'm so bloated since 3 days, which is stress and period related) 

So the plan is: 

Breakfast: nana ice cream 

Lunch: 750 ml smoothie with goji berries 

Dinner: big salad 

Snack: raisins and matcha 

I am probably gonna repeat this on Thursday and then I'll join the 

livestrong.com 30 day challenge (there's  a vegan meal and workout plan) and all you have to do is follow it, which is exactly what I needed! 

So although I gained a decent amount of weight, I am still convinced, that I'll be able to fly at least 6 kgs lighter to Istanbul! 

Food in my stomach

I hate love food 

亻外不祥

The following 2 weeks are those, where I have to write my finals and I'm already stressed out like fuck! 

Besides being really busy I often feel so lonely. Right now in bed I just hate everyone I know and don't want to have any kind of contact anymore. But on the other hand I would really to have a few people around me who understand! 

Or at least who make you forget for a little time. But both are at least 2 hours of a bus drive away... So I will have to wait 2 weeks... It's just two weeks right? 

Instagram & pride

I created an Instagram account to photograph the food I'm eating and to motivate myself to stick to the HCLF-lifestyle. 

My name: highcarb_fitness 

Pride. It's like poison. 

It may change the way you think or act. 

I have been thinking about it a lot lately. 

The end of a very good friendships starts  to bother me after 4 months.

There was lots of criticism on me because of giving up a friendship so easily in the past couple of days and now where I can see clearly again I'm thinking:  maybe I was just too proud to understand? I don't know I really don't now... 

But after seeing Christina & Meredith hugging each other after a rough day on greys anatomy I had that feeling for the first time... Pain. 

Happy New Year

Short Update: 

Ate way too much in the holidays and gained weight but it's ok, because I had the possibility to discover what I actually did wrong. 

So the things I changed: 

1. I eat every 5 hours 

2. I drink more water (again) 

3. I eat highcarb and mostly vegan 

4. I have quite big portions but not as big as on rawtill4 (2500+ cals are obviously not made for my body)

5. I am working out again...

Of course there are days which are not as they were supposed to be (e.g. On Sunday I had a huge brunch, dinner, big size popcorn at the cinema and midnight-food) but this is a journey and as long as I get better and stronger every day it's going to turn out for good :)